It is something that is absolutely unfathomable to me. I just don't get it. It's not that I think I am better than other people because I am not. I have my faults to be sure, but this is one that I just cannot for the life of me comprehend.

How can fathers who have children with ex wives or girlfriends leave town and go live somewhere else far away from where their children live? It just baffles my mind. How could a man do that to his own children? By the way, I know that sometimes it is the mother who bails on her kids to go live life somewhere else. However, speaking from my personal experience I have seen more cases where it is the father who selfishly decides to pack and move away from his children. I am familiar with quite a few cases of the father/ex husband/ex boyfriend leaving small children behind so that they can go live their fantasy life somewhere else.

I know someone whose ex husband always wanted to live in Hawaii. So when they divorced, and despite the fact that they had a 5 year old boy and an 8 year old girl he packed up and moved to Hawaii. He now sees the kids for 2 weeks over the summer, 1 week over winter break and a couple of shorter 2-3 day visits. That is so lame. That isn't being a father. That is being what I call a "good time dad" because all of the interactions between the kids and the father are centered around having a good time since they only get a short amount of time together. They go to amusement parks, movies, shopping, etc...It's not a real father/child relationship because it misses all the usual day to day things that happen in life. It's as if the father is saying to his kids "Your just not that important or that much of a priority in my life, and I don't want to be bothered with all the day to day issues of being a father." What sometimes happens is the father feels guilty because he has skipped out on the kids so when they are together he makes sure to spoil them.

Moving away from your kids and only seeing them a total of maybe 10-20 days out of the year is pretty lame to be sure. However, when compared to this next category of crappy deadbeat Dads, these guys could be candidates for Father of the Year!

The worst of the worst are the dads who completely bail out on their kids and basically lose all contact with them. They may disappear and go years without seeing or talking with them. They may talk to them once a year or less on the phone, or they may just completely disappear and never be heard from again. This kind of action from a father is absolutely baffling to me. How can someone be so heartless, so cold, so selfish and uncaring as to move away from their kids and go a year, or two, or even several years having very little or even no contact with them? Not only is just an incredibly selfish and mean thing to do to your own offspring, but it is denying the father the opportunity to bond, and connect with their children and to experience the joys of watching them grow up. I could not imagine missing out on my son's life. I have never once looked at being a father as a burden. I don't have to be there for my son. I GET to be there for him. It is my honor and I feel blessed that I get to be in his life.

I actually consider this a cruel and inhumane form of child abuse. Maybe they aren't beating their kids physically, but I strongly believe that abandoning a child and also not fulfilling the financial responsibilities of being a father are psychologically, and emotionally harmful to a child. The child could very well think that the father moved away because of them. The child might think that if they had been a better kid then maybe the father wouldn't have left and would send money to mom. This just burns me up and makes me so mad because I am thinking of the innocent little children who are the victims. A person who moves out of their child's life and skips out on their financial responsibilities as a parent is a cowardly, criminal, abusive, selfish, deadbeat who deserves no sympathy.

I know of another case of a father of a young boy and girl who started dating someone who lived two thousand miles a way from where he and the kids lived. He impregnated his new girlfriend and determined that the best thing to do is to bail on his two kids from a prior marriage and move to the city where his girlfriend lives so he can start a new family. Also noteworthy is that this father was considering moving to another city several hundred miles from his children even before he met his girlfriend because he's not so crazy about the city where his kids live. I am sorry, but that is so damn weak! And I'm sure that this father has rationalized that it will all be alright because they will be able to visit each other frequently. Give me a break! First of all that is not fair to the kids. To make the kids have to get on a plane, and go through customs (because the father and his new family will live in a foreign country north of the USA and known for hockey) just to visit their dad. Also to presume that the kids will always be willing or want to give up whatever they have going on in their lives to see Dad because don't you know he is traveling two thousand miles on a plane just to come and see them. Again, this father will likely be the type that indulges and spoils his kids with lots of fun activities and stuff because deep down inside he knows he has basically abandoned his kids. He essentially is saying to his kids, "you don't matter as much to me as my new girlfriend and my soon to be born child with her, that's why I'm moving away to live with them and not be near you". This business of seeing your kids one weekend a month or two or three times per year for a week or two at a crack doesn't cut it guys!

This is not being a father. A father is supposed to be their for his kids for the good times and the bad times. The stand up thing to do in the case of divorce is for the parents to send a clear message to the children that they matter and that just because mom and dad aren't together any longer, that dad will be there for them and stay close by. I think it is vital that a father stay within 15-20 miles of their ex until their children are no longer minors. Like I said, I am not a saint by any means. However, I would never dream of living anywhere farther than about 15 minutes from my ex wife. I owe that to my son. I helped make him. He deserves a dad. Not just a guy to take him to Disneyland and buy him crap when he visits a few times per year or once a month or whatever. He deserves a real father. A father who comes to all his games and performances. A father who goes to all the teacher conferences. A father who sees his son multiple times per week.....not per year. I want to be there as much as I can for my son. I want to be there for him when he comes home and has had a rough day, or when he is excited about showing me something. Not only am I committed to staying within a 15 minute drive of my son until he reaches adulthood, but I would move across country if I had to maintain that closeness if for some reason my ex decided to move. It is important that I am geographically close enough to him to do things together spontaneously. It is important that I am geographically close to him so that I can be there for him when he is going through tough times too or when he is sick or hurt. Besides it is not fair to my ex or to my son and also extremely selfish to shirk my responsibilities of fatherhood just because I'd rather live someplace else. Further, it is absolutely atrocious that a father would not pay his child support....regardless of whether the mom has money or not. I see that as my privelege too. My ex makes a great living and truly does not "need" the money I pay each month for child support. And certainly I could use the extra $300 per month. But that is not the point! It has nothing to do with how much she makes. That is cop out thinking, weak and cowardly rationalizing and just plain selfish. In my case the money I pay goes into his college account. Wherever the money goes the point is that I am taking care of my financial obligation and I can hold my head up high knowing that I am doing the right thing. By the way, that does not make me a "great guy" or some "super dad". I think that being in your child's life and being financially responsible to your child is expected. That is just a given and should be seen as a minimum that every parent should do at the very least. Dead beat dads are awful. Dad's who go years without seeing their kids are disgusting. But deadbeat dads who go years without seeing their kids are the worst of the worst and really make me sick.


As for the guy who is basically giving his kids the finger by moving far away to start a new life with his girlfriend and soon to be born new baby: He should have been a man. He should have said to his girlfriend that he loves her and wants to be with her, etc....but that he has an obligation to be near his kids until they are raised. If she loves him enough she would move to be with him, and if she wouldn't move to be with him then she wasn't the right one. That should be a "non-negotiable". No matter what you don't bail on your kids to go live somewhere else until they are at least 18.

So why do guys do this? (And I know mothers do this too and it is just as rotten and weak and selfish. It's just that I am a man and a father so I have chosen to write from my point of view). It's pretty simple I think. They are selfish, narcissistic,cowardly, feel sorry for themselves, and basically weak people. They are selfish because they are putting their own desires ahead of their kids needs. And no matter how much they sugar coat it and try to rationalize it, no amount of visits, or toys, or extra child support will make up for the fact that the kids will always know that their father didn't value them enough to stay near them. That's a real nice thing to do to your children. It is a sign of total weakness because it is caving to the wishes of others, or your own selfish desires instead of doing the right thing and staying by your kids.

So if you are a divorced father (or mother), or if you have children, but are no longer with the child's other parent, please do yourself and the child a favor. Man up (or woman up), and make a commitment to your kids! They deserve it, and will benefit from it immensely. You will benefit from having integrity and doing something that takes some backbone, plus you will get to experience the joy of parenthood. It's not always easy doing the right thing. But doing the right thing even when it is difficult is what defines character. If you get a sweet job offer in a city a thousand miles away, or you meet your dream man or dream woman, but they live in another state (or country) have the guts to do the right thing and stay by your kid. Yes it might be hard to turn down a better paying job in a different city, or to break it off with someone you felt a strong connection with. But you will be doing the right thing. And when you do the right thing everyone benefits. Your kids will obviously benefit. You will be able to look yourself in the mirror and know you are a man of integrity, and won't second guess your decision or have regrets later in life, and people will respect you for putting your kids first.They are innocent. I have never once heard a parent whose kids are all grown up think back with regret that they spent too much time with their kids when they were young! But I have heard many parents express regret that they didn't spend enough time with them. They deserve your presence in their lives. And not just once in a while on long weekends and vacations. Don't be a wimp. Man up and do the right thing for your kids.